The biggest parenting myth is that the goal of parenting is to create perfect kids who make good decisions and never get in trouble. In order to get this, we try to manage and control them, which often doesn’t go well. When they do mess up, we take it personally as a reflection of our poor parenting. This causes us to parent from a place of fear instead of a place of faith. In my experience, parenting from a place of fear often leads a lot of intense emotions and rash parenting decisions.

What if we took a more gospel-centered approach? What if we parented from a place of faith more than fear?

If having perfect kids is based on my ability to be the perfect parent, I have done it all wrong. As a mother of four kids, I’ve had plenty of opportunities. I have yelled and screamed. I have even thrown things. I have said yes when I should have said no. I have taken the easy route because I’m tired and guilty from working too much. I’m not consistent, and sometimes I play favorites. I have done everything a good parent should not…multiple times.

Lindsay Watson captured this picture during one of our family photo sessions. It has become one of my favorites because it shows the reality of our family life.

But this is exactly why I need Jesus. It’s exactly why I need Someone who is bigger than me, outside of myself, to come into my life. Because I have Jesus, I can ask for forgiveness and be forgiven. I can go to my kids and admit when I’ve made my huge parenting mistakes. I can show them what it means to walk in repentance. Because I know that God is writing their stories, I know that he is using both of our mistakes and bad decisions to bring us closer to him.

Instead of trying to raise perfect kids, my parenting goal is to mess my kids up just enough, so that they need Jesus as much as I do. Perfect kids who never mess up don’t need a savior and neither do perfect parents.

I remember a conversation in the living room with my daughter when she was in elementary school. We were talking about how important it was to tell the truth because she had been caught telling several small lies throughout the day. At one point, she was in tears, and she said, “I’m trying so hard to tell the truth, and I just can’t help it.” I knew she couldn’t help it because, apart from Jesus, neither could I.

I suggested that she ask Jesus to help her tell the truth. She sat there shaking her head no. She couldn’t imagine bringing Jesus into such a mess. “So you want to keep trying to do it on your own?” I asked. She said yes, and I told her to let me know when she got tired of trying so hard. My heart was breaking for her tiny, perfectionistic heart that wanted to do it by herself.

It was how I parented for several years. I tried to do everything perfectly in parenting and in keeping the house. But failed miserably every single day. I would yell or get impatient. I would forget to do something and get behind. But then I got really tired and decided to get real. I realized that I need the gospel every, single day. Instead of compartmentalizing my relationship with Jesus to Sunday mornings and my quiet time, I invited him into every single minute of every single day.

At my house, we all need Jesus…a whole lot. If my kids can understand that they are not perfect, then someday they will understand how much they need Jesus. If they know they need Jesus and that he’s not just some traditional idea from church, then they will know that they can have a personal relationship with him. If they have a relationship with him, then I know that no matter what they go through in life I can trust the Holy Spirit to be at work in them. If my kids receive grace from God, they will give grace to others and extend lovingkindness.

I don’t know how it happened, but I have great kids. I don’t have perfect kids, but I have great kids. People who know my kids try to compliment our parenting. But I realized several years ago that if I take credit for the good decisions they make, I also have to take credit for the bad decisions they make. Instead, I tell people that they are just another sign of God’s amazing grace to us. That even when we aren’t perfect parents, God shepherds the hearts of our kids and leads them where he wants them to go.

So if you are not a perfect parent, you are on track for a perfectly timed meeting with Jesus. The bad news is that your kids are already messed up; they were from the day they were born into the human race. The good news is that even in our imperfection, God loved us so much that he sent his son Jesus to make a way for all of us to be together again. So keep messing your kids up – not a lot – but just enough so that they will need Jesus as much as you do.

Joy Patton is available to speak at your moms group and can address multiple parenting issues through a Biblical perspective. Email joy@joypatton.com for more information.