“If I said that I hated God, I seriously doubt that you would be okay with that.” A student said to me when we were having a private conversation. It stuck out to me because why would it matter whether or not I was okay with that. Aren’t their beliefs their business? Don’t they have the freedom to think what they want? My approval or disapproval of where they were in their faith journey was completely irrelevant to me, but it still seemed very relevant to them. 

In that moment, it wasn’t about what my judgment of what they were saying. In that moment, they were taking a big risk. In that moment, I was happy that they were willing to tell me something that was so personal. 

At times, young people share things, knowing that we might not be okay with it. 

“If I said that I was a Democrat….” 

“If I said that I didn’t want to go to college…” 

“If I said that I was gay…”

“If I said that I was an atheist…”  

When parenting teens and working with young people, you have to find a way to be okay in the moment with whatever they bring out of the cave to tell you. You have to watch your face and tone of voice to make sure that you don’t discourage their honesty. It takes a lot of courage to bring something out of the cave that was hidden away, so how you react when they do determines whether or not they will risk it ever again. This risk is a sign that they want to trust you, even if they aren’t sure they can.

What does it mean to be “okay” with that? Does it mean that you have to change what you believe in order to accommodate them? Does it mean that you have to walk away from relationship  because you are not okay with that? In my experience, both extremes hurt relationships. 

“I may not be okay with that, but I’m okay with you.” 

The truth is that I am often not okay with whatever they bring out of the cave. I don’t agree with it. It’s not a choice that I would make. Their statements make me sad or angry.

But it’s also true that no matter what they share, I’m okay with them. I love them and care for them because they are made in the image of God. Because God’s love for me is unconditional and He loved me in my darkest moments, I can extend this same kind of love to them. 

Often we find ways to edit ourselves or make adjustments in order to be more acceptable to the people we are around. I’ve tried so many different tactics to make myself smaller and less intimidating – not wear heels, wear my hair curly, hold a coffee mug when I talk to people, lean on the wall or sit at a desk. Sometimes these adjustments are out of respect for the person we are talking to. Sometimes they are a way to hide who we really are or what we really think. 

Jesus modeled how to be fully yourself without losing your identity and how to build relationships with people who were not like him. He sat at tables with people he disagreed with and whose choices he did not approve. I’m sure he would have been able to find lots of things that he was not okay with as he sat with taxpayers and sinners. But instead, he found a way to be okay with them where they were in the moment. He found a way to sit with them, to hear their stories, to eat with them. Because he was okay with them, he was able to tell them his stories and ask difficult questions. 

If we change our beliefs to fit in with people around us, we risk abandoning our purpose and compromising our identity. If we cancel those whose beliefs we don’t like, we isolate ourselves and limit our influence. So instead of asking “Are you okay with that?” the real question is “Are you okay with me?” This is what they are really asking. How will you choose to answer that question?